Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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