My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
