Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
