Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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