I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
