This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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