Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
I did not marry a roomba.
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