I intend to get homeless drunk
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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