Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
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