ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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