my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
