DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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