Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
