woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
