I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
