I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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