matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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