The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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