The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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