I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
