carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
