I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
