My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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