my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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