Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I accidentally burped into my bong.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
