Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
