I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
