Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
