i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Randomize
