I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
