Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
