She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
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