I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
