Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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