She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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