"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
