I haven't been this sober since birth.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
