I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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