i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Randomize