I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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