I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
