theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
