I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
