The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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