her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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