So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
