someone owes me an orgasm
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
