im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize