Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
