Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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