the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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