I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize