I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
