This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
