yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
