I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Randomize