sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
