I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
