I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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