I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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