He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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