This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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