it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize