I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
The Olympian is in my bed
Randomize
