she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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